SOME THOUGHTS ON MY RECENT ILLNESS
SOME SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS ON MY RECENT ILLNESSSeptember 24, 2007
Revised on October 2, 2007
This is the 10th day following brain surgery. On all fronts I am feeling better than I have before. I have less pain and more strength, although I am still in the hospital. Up until today, I didn’t think it of it as a constructive spiritual experience. I mean that I don’t think I had felt particularly deepened, or that I had opened up new channels of thinking about the Bible, God, prayer and Christian living. Today, that all changed.
I’m somewhat intimidated by the process. On the one side, I’m simply overwhelmed with the outpouring of love, concern, communication and prayer that has come from friends and others. I almost feel guilty because people all over the world are praying for me around the clock, and my own prayers seem perfunctory and self-centered in comparison. My main prayer has been “Lord, get me out of this mess. I want to feel better.”
Here is the way things shook out today. I was shaving this morning, already conscious of how I wanted (1) a better prayer relationship with God and (2) some way of sorting this out in terms of my general program of living.
Then I remembered my lifelong interest in the Problem of Pain. Several months ago I decided to start taking a comprehensive study of God and the Problem of Pain and Evil. I already knew it is a subject I cannot master. I hope that I learn more about it than what I know now, and perhaps even eliminate some of my faulty conclusions. I started several months ago but I haven’t worked very diligently toward keeping the project alive.
For a long time, I’ve maintained an academic interest in pain. At 24, I knew the answers. Of course I hadn’t experienced much actual pain. In the ensuing years I’ve seen a lot of it, but actually experienced very little. My present experience has taken me out of the “classroom” and the “books.” I’ve gone through a wonderful laboratory experience. I’m no braver than anyone else, but neither do I flinch away from it. I think C. S. Lewis once said something to the effect that pain is God’s megaphone to get our attention.
My lab experience has helped me to understand why people are sometimes tempted to stop fighting and give up. I’m a fighter by nature, and to date, at least, “surrender” is not part of my vocabulary. That being said, I will admit that there were some occasions when I was in the lab that my self-absorbed desire to get past this point of my illness was the only prayer I seemed to be able to muster. I know why the bureaucracy of the medical system frustrates people, but at the same time I understand why some of that bureaucracy is necessary. I understand why the inexcusable breakdowns in communication take place. If nothing else, it has made me more sensitive to the plight of people who are in the “furnace of affliction.”
I don’t really want to talk about that. I want to talk about the way my mind is working. The experience started while I was shaving, and it went on through my bath, getting dressed, almost all the way up until noon with a few interruptions. To me the most valuable thing I learned today connects all the way back to the decision to engage in the pain study. In the last ten years no one has stimulated me to go back to the Bible and rethink my conclusions quite like my young co-worker John Hawkins. That study decision was stimulated by a question from John. He said, “We are getting much better about praising God for the good things he’s done for us. But do we praise God for some of the troubles we have?” The Minor Prophets are saying trouble is inflicted against God’s people by no one other than God himself. Furthermore God does not build a hedge of protection around the righteous. The righteous will suffer with the wicked. Here’s the difference. The righteous will eventually prevail. You can’t miss the message if you’re honest in your study of the prophets.
In the midst of all these insights, Ann brought the mail to the hospital. All the cards and encouragement notes were greatly appreciated, but there was one that spoke to me above all others. I’ve mentioned my dissatisfaction with the quality of my prayers. It’s pretty hard to maintain a quality prayer life when you’re about half doped up. It’s even harder when you’re fighting nausea and fever. Even after that subsided I was still too weak to give it adequate attention.
The card explained everything. Strangely enough I cannot locate it now, but I remember the gist of the message. It said something like this, “While you couldn’t pray, you had prayer cover.” Of course. Others took over and supplied my lack. What a relief that was. Since then I’ve found new vigor in my prayers, and I’m grateful.
I’ll be a long time getting through the pain study, but I am determined to renew the study.
posted by Norman @ 6:18 PM
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